The problem is that I know that I should be behaving in a grown up and responsible manner, acting my age and thinking sensibly about - oh - things, but I find that this is just not happening.
When I was young I used to believe that grown ups knew innately how to be sensible. Now I am discovering that this is simply not the case and I do not have an answer to help me out.
It's not that I do anything that is completely disasterous, or illegal, it's just that I still feel very young and not as confident as I thought I might be now that I'm - 'grown up'. Do others experience this I wonder, or do I go against the grain? Maybe there's something wrong with me? These questions sound like teenage angst only in reverse. There isn't a name for it is there? It can't be mid-life crisis as this just happens to men - doesn't it?
I keep thinking that if I ignore the problem it might go away. Every so often something makes me realise that it hasn't. Like when I know that it is essential to prepare for something in advance but I don't and I end up in a panic or late. Or when I have to make sure that I don't loose something that is really important, and I nearly always do. These are the things that I warn my adolescent son about, and yet I actually do not heed my own advice.
Maybe I should just resign myself to not really suiting old age after all and carry on taking comfort in the old adage that I am just young at heart.
Monday, 31 May 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Finding Calmer
In the past I have been described as a 'morbid obsessive' by a so called friend at the time who was doing some studies in psychology, eventually to be let loose as a teacher for primary school children. Heaven help them whoever they might have been.
Looking back she was wild and exciting to be with, but now I would definately label her as a juvenile delinquent with possible tendencies to bi-polar depressive states. Anyhow, with many years gone by since I last saw her, I have come to realise that deep down I knew that there was an element of truth in her observation. Back then her remark hurt my feelings. I wanted to be perceived as zany and as free spirited as she was, not to come across as a worry guts, like my Mum already. I have always been too concerned about the consequences and the effects that my actions might have on others, or how I might be percieved, to really let go and live in the moment.
Now with too much water under the bridge, and for my friend too I suspect, wherever she might be, I am grateful because whenever I am beating my self up about something or other, I remenber her words and I realise that it is after all only going on in my head. It is only my perception of me and this helps to put things into a perspective that is more outside of myself.
It is difficult to get a 360 degree view of how we must come across to others. Even if it is deliberatley sought, people choose to make comments that often avoid stating the whole truth.
So I move on and try to grow a thicker skin and make it seem as if I am immune, in other words act cool and keep things closer to my chest. For I have come to realise that those who are able to mask their feelings fair better. Whether they experience the full emotional force and are able to empathise with others is another question altogether. All I do know is that as a morbid obsessive, I find it very difficult to mask my emotional states when they are not needed and much as I want to, I feel like a round peg in a square hole most of the time, as I look around me.
Looking back she was wild and exciting to be with, but now I would definately label her as a juvenile delinquent with possible tendencies to bi-polar depressive states. Anyhow, with many years gone by since I last saw her, I have come to realise that deep down I knew that there was an element of truth in her observation. Back then her remark hurt my feelings. I wanted to be perceived as zany and as free spirited as she was, not to come across as a worry guts, like my Mum already. I have always been too concerned about the consequences and the effects that my actions might have on others, or how I might be percieved, to really let go and live in the moment.
Now with too much water under the bridge, and for my friend too I suspect, wherever she might be, I am grateful because whenever I am beating my self up about something or other, I remenber her words and I realise that it is after all only going on in my head. It is only my perception of me and this helps to put things into a perspective that is more outside of myself.
It is difficult to get a 360 degree view of how we must come across to others. Even if it is deliberatley sought, people choose to make comments that often avoid stating the whole truth.
So I move on and try to grow a thicker skin and make it seem as if I am immune, in other words act cool and keep things closer to my chest. For I have come to realise that those who are able to mask their feelings fair better. Whether they experience the full emotional force and are able to empathise with others is another question altogether. All I do know is that as a morbid obsessive, I find it very difficult to mask my emotional states when they are not needed and much as I want to, I feel like a round peg in a square hole most of the time, as I look around me.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Well wonders never cease. A bus journey to work that has made personal history as far as I am concerned.
When I got to the top deck the air was thick with vile cigarette smoke. I had my new cardigan on and I didn't want that to reek, and there were two small children sitting at the front. What more of a nudge did I need to speak up and out.
"Please stop smoking it is against the law" I said, only this time particularly confidently and clearly because I had forgotten that I had my Ipod earplugs in with Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club playing it loud.
The offender immediately threw his cigarette out of the window without comment - good job too I thought. But then the bus suddenly came to a stop. The driver came up and demanded to know who had been smoking! Well we all sat still and feeling like naughty school children we were not going to shop the offender. But the little girl at the front also spoke up loud and clear and pointing a steady finger at the miscreant she uttered the fatal words: "it was him that did the smoking."
Oh my oh my. The naughty man got frog marched off.
When I got to the top deck the air was thick with vile cigarette smoke. I had my new cardigan on and I didn't want that to reek, and there were two small children sitting at the front. What more of a nudge did I need to speak up and out.
"Please stop smoking it is against the law" I said, only this time particularly confidently and clearly because I had forgotten that I had my Ipod earplugs in with Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club playing it loud.
The offender immediately threw his cigarette out of the window without comment - good job too I thought. But then the bus suddenly came to a stop. The driver came up and demanded to know who had been smoking! Well we all sat still and feeling like naughty school children we were not going to shop the offender. But the little girl at the front also spoke up loud and clear and pointing a steady finger at the miscreant she uttered the fatal words: "it was him that did the smoking."
Oh my oh my. The naughty man got frog marched off.
Monday, 3 May 2010
Bad Broadcasting Corporation
I have been trying to keep a lid on my feelings with regards the BBC and what has been on the telly over the past few years. This could be because I'd find it too depressing to acknowledge the increasing amount of crud on air. Mainly though, it's because I've been more concerned that I might be sounding like a grumpy old lady who can not stay abreast of the times. Now however, and mainly because I am getting older and less concerned about what others think, I am not going to stay quiet any longer. I think I am being stitched up, I think that I am being charged a lot of money for my TV licence for what is predominanly a load of rubbish.
It used to feel that I was getting good value, there was always something on that I wanted to watch, but that is no longer the case. There is rarely a night that goes by nowdays where I am not interested in what is being shown on any of the channels let alone BBC 1 & 2, as the choice is either repeats, reality TV or feeble documentaries - and I am not into the soaps either. Gone are the days where I would settle down to a couple of hours of interesting and entertaining viewing at the end of a long day at work to unwind and forget the stresses. I miss the dramas and comedies that used to be a feature of at least one hour a night. This is no longer the case. In fact there seems to be more American dramas on the box these days than British and this appears to mark a strange turnabout.
To make things even worse we are now at the mercy of the World Snooker, or any sporting event that the BBC shows to be honest. (Yes I know, I'm not interested in sport either that makes me a sad-o but I still want my viewer's rights.) When I settled the other night to specifically watch something that had attracted my attention, a rare event enough as it goes, the programme was postponed until the snooker had finished. The snooker overrun by one and a half hours. The programme that I wanted to watch couldn't be recorded, we had no information to go on. Nothing had been said, put up on screen, ammended in the papers. When the snooker did eventually finish, the voice-over informed us in a trite manner that, - there had been a slight delay.
And so I repeat: what exactly am I paying for when I fork out for my annual TV licence? The service is apalling, I do not think that I am getting value for money, but I hang on in there anyway just in case and what else can I do if I want access to the other TV channels? As the BBC has the monopoly we are beholden to whatever it does and cares to charge. In this day and age however, shouldn't it at least have an overflow channel for sport events that go over their allotted times?
It used to feel that I was getting good value, there was always something on that I wanted to watch, but that is no longer the case. There is rarely a night that goes by nowdays where I am not interested in what is being shown on any of the channels let alone BBC 1 & 2, as the choice is either repeats, reality TV or feeble documentaries - and I am not into the soaps either. Gone are the days where I would settle down to a couple of hours of interesting and entertaining viewing at the end of a long day at work to unwind and forget the stresses. I miss the dramas and comedies that used to be a feature of at least one hour a night. This is no longer the case. In fact there seems to be more American dramas on the box these days than British and this appears to mark a strange turnabout.
To make things even worse we are now at the mercy of the World Snooker, or any sporting event that the BBC shows to be honest. (Yes I know, I'm not interested in sport either that makes me a sad-o but I still want my viewer's rights.) When I settled the other night to specifically watch something that had attracted my attention, a rare event enough as it goes, the programme was postponed until the snooker had finished. The snooker overrun by one and a half hours. The programme that I wanted to watch couldn't be recorded, we had no information to go on. Nothing had been said, put up on screen, ammended in the papers. When the snooker did eventually finish, the voice-over informed us in a trite manner that, - there had been a slight delay.
And so I repeat: what exactly am I paying for when I fork out for my annual TV licence? The service is apalling, I do not think that I am getting value for money, but I hang on in there anyway just in case and what else can I do if I want access to the other TV channels? As the BBC has the monopoly we are beholden to whatever it does and cares to charge. In this day and age however, shouldn't it at least have an overflow channel for sport events that go over their allotted times?
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