Finding Calmer

In the past I have been described as a 'morbid obsessive' by a so called friend at the time who was doing some studies in psychology, eventually to be let loose as a teacher for primary school children. Heaven help them whoever they might have been.

Looking back she was wild and exciting to be with, but now I would definately label her as a juvenile delinquent with possible tendencies to bi-polar depressive states. Anyhow, with many years gone by since I last saw her, I have come to realise that deep down I knew that there was an element of truth in her observation. Back then her remark hurt my feelings. I wanted to be perceived as zany and as free spirited as she was, not to come across as a worry guts, like my Mum already. I have always been too concerned about the consequences and the effects that my actions might have on others, or how I might be percieved, to really let go and live in the moment.

Now with too much water under the bridge, and for my friend too I suspect, wherever she might be, I am grateful because whenever I am beating my self up about something or other, I remenber her words and I realise that it is after all only going on in my head. It is only my perception of me and this helps to put things into a perspective that is more outside of myself.

It is difficult to get a 360 degree view of how we must come across to others. Even if it is deliberatley sought, people choose to make comments that often avoid stating the whole truth.

So I move on and try to grow a thicker skin and make it seem as if I am immune, in other words act cool and keep things closer to my chest. For I have come to realise that those who are able to mask their feelings fair better. Whether they experience the full emotional force and are able to empathise with others is another question altogether. All I do know is that as a morbid obsessive, I find it very difficult to mask my emotional states when they are not needed and much as I want to, I feel like a round peg in a square hole most of the time, as I look around me.